As I listened and as someone who enjoys the work I do (yes really!) I was hit when he said the following:

• We make very poor use of our talents.
• People go through life thinking they are not good at anything.
• People don’t even enjoy what they do – they endure it waiting for the weekend.

He later went on to say that education should be about: “passion and what excites our spirit and energy”.

Now, I’m not sure I totally agree with his overall rather scathing view of the current educational systems. However, it did make me stop and think about my children and the importance of nurturing their interests and passions, their strengths and talents. I also thought, “its not just education that should be about passion and what excites our spirit and energy, but LIFE”.

Living abroad and the travel opportunities and new experiences that this entails means that we are able to enjoy the pure excitement of discovering a new location, the thrill of new experiences and challenge. We hopefully do enjoy experiences that excite our spirits and give us energy.

However, we can also experience the lows, the loneliness, the challenge of creating and developing a new life, of fitting in and building a new social life.

Freud was once asked to expound on what he felt were the most important constituents of life. He said: “love and work”. For those of us who are accompanying our employed partners abroad our work often becomes our family and the whole process of relocating, settling in and all that is associated with the move. As we all know this can absolutely be a full-time job – for a while.

Our initial days in a new location are about creating security for ourselves and our loved ones, learning the basics to survive in our new location. Then we spend time building important new networks of friends and contacts, of creating some sense of normality and routine. As we do this we may take up new challenges, sports, club memberships, we may volunteer and so we manage to “fill our time”.

For some this is meaningful work enough, for others over time they begin to wonder:

• “But what about me”
• “What else is there, can there be for me?”

From a personal perspective, my family gives me meaning. They are my priority – the most important thing to me in the world. But after them there is “me”! I want to use my strengths and talents to be something other (note I didn’t say more!) than their mum.

My journey has been a long one and is still continuing! Yes, I can hear a few sighs from friends and family there BUT what keeps me going and means I am sitting here typing this, rather than being outside on this beautiful day, is that I enjoy/love/am inspired by what I do. I have found something that is meaningful and a passion to me.

How about you? When the alarm clock rings in the morning, do you groan and turn over wishing it were the weekend or some other day OR do you jump out of bed excited and enthusiastic by what the day holds for you?

If you find yourself to be the former then consider these three things:

1. What are your strengths and talents, the things that energise and excite you?
2. What do you LOVE to do? Go on, there must be a few!
3. What opportunities exist to utilise 1) and 2) on a regular day-by-day basis?

In 2010 over 200 million people were living abroad. Relocation stories featured regularly in the media often represent the extremes of these statistics, the plights of economic or political migrants and asylum seekers, retirees who relocate abroad to what they hope will be ‘retirement paradise’ only to experience ‘retirement hell’, or expatriate ‘high flyers’ who move abroad to live the high life in tax havens around the world.

Then there are the rest, people like you and me! We moved abroad to support our partners and their international career; a wonderful opportunity to experience life in different countries and cultures and perhaps exciting, challenging and very positive but also sometimes overwhelming and isolating. What was your experience of your transition process? How easy was it to adapt, and how does your experience compare to the experience of the people who contributed to my survey?

The Purpose of the Survey

The purpose of the survey was to develop a deeper understanding of the experiences of the accompanying partners as they adapted to life in a new country. Questions were centred around two themes:

1. What helped and hindered people in their adaptation process.
2. What forms of support did they feel would help them better adapt –the next time!

This survey was completed in the summer of 2010. Eighty one participants started the survey with seventy two completing it, giving an eight nine percentage completion rate. Below I outline the five key findings from the survey.

Five Key Findings:

1. How Comfortable and Well Adjusted Did People Feel to Their New Environment?

Participant’s time in their new locations varied from three months or less to two years or more, with over 56% having lived in their current environment for more than twenty four months. In response to the statement ‘I feel comfortable and well adjusted to the new environment’ 56.8% of participants agreed or agreed strongly. 26.3% said that they felt neutral and 17.6% said that they did not feel comfortable or well adjusted.

Intuitively it would seem to make sense to suggest that with time comes better adaptation and comfort in a new environment. However culture shock theory and the experience of many expatriates suggests that following an initial period of euphoria often referred to as the ‘honeymoon period’ people will go through a period of distress, feeling negative about the new culture and feeling a sense of sadness for what they have left behind.

In this study it was interesting to see that in the initial few months abroad some people do feel quite comfortable with 42.9% saying that they agreed or agreed strongly to the statement “I feel comfortable and well adjusted to the new environment”. This is more than during the 3 – 6 month and 7 – 12 month periods. So perhaps for some, the Honeymoon phase did create a sense of initial positivity, which for some others disappeared in later months. After year one more people felt comfortable and well adjusted – 58.4% and 70% after two years. It seems that time does help the adaptation process.

Time brings familiarity and this in turn perhaps helps people to feel comfortable. However, sometimes familiarity brings the opposite, a sense of knowing that this will never be right. At these points it is good to be able to make a positive decision to move on. As one participant wrote in answer to the question ‘what would make your level of comfort and adaptation higher’?

“Leaving, moving on!”

2. Does a Move Abroad Bring Happiness?

In answer to the question “How happy are you with your life abroad currently?

For the majority it seems that a life abroad does bring happiness with 62.9% reporting that they were happy or very happy. A further 21.4% reported that they were neutral about their level of happiness however 15.8% said that they were unhappy or very unhappy. However, as with adaptation the level of happiness did seem to be related to the time in the new location, with the 7 to 12 month period receiving the most negative responses, all eight participants saying that they felt, neutral, unhappy or very unhappy.

3. What factors inhibited Adaptation?

Over half of the participants agreed/agreed strongly that the following four factors inhibited their adaptation:

1. Language problems.
2. Administrative and bureaucratic issues.
3. Feelings of loneliness and isolation.
4. Lack of purpose and direction.

Over half of the participants disagreed/disagreed strongly that the following four factors inhibited their adaptation:

1. Problems filling time.
2. Children not settling easily.
3. Financial difficulties
4. Feeling that the move was a mistake.

In response to the unprompted question “what would make your level of adjustment and comfort higher” the most popular responses were:

1. Language – greater proficiency so better able to communicate, 22 people wrote this.
2. Friends, better social connections and community support, 16 people mentioned a desire for this.
3. Employment or opportunities to do volunteer work – 11 people mentioned this.

4. What helped people most in their adaptation periods.

People were asked to provide their own answers to the question;

“What helped you most in making your moves abroad?” The answers fell broadly into the following categories:

Social Aspects:

Social aspects of creating a new life abroad were seen to be of huge importance. There was a mixture of responses in this respect but overall they showed a recognition of the need and value of new friendships and social networks.

In this respect various methods were employed to form new friendships and social networks ranging from, joining expatriate clubs and women’s groups, embassies to drawing on support from colleagues in the new local environment and also on-line in terms of finding people with similar experiences through facebook, skype and so on. As one person said;

“it is important to get to know people as soon as possible and get involved in activities and integrate in the society”

Attitudes:

Many people referred to the attitude that they employed as being key, suggesting that it key in helping them adapt and build new lives in their new locations.

People cited the following as helping:

• Possessing a sense of adventure.
• Being self determined.
• Being sociable.
• Having an open mind.
• Staying positive and attacking issues actively.
• Possessing a positive attitude.
• Recognising a personal motivation for the experience “I really wanted the experience for myself”.
• Preparing a personal matrix to ensure that the decision was both practical and met emotional needs

Partners/family support:

Seven people mentioned how important it was to them to have their partners support and understanding. Eight people mentioned friends and family back home and how their support helped them, including their visits to them in their new locations.

Understanding the local culture, speaking the language:

Five people referred to the benefit of either having learnt the language prior to relocating OR on arrival. This is in contrast to the number of people who recognised language difficulties as one of the greatest inhibitors to their adaptation.

The emphasis given to language difficulties by participants, and the desire for a greater proficiency in their target language indicates that more focus is needed on building language ability when relocating.

Studying culture shock and receiving cross cultural training was mentioned by four participants. Four other participants talked about the importance of research, how their love for the country helped them and how managing their own expectations had a positive impact.

Relocation Agents:

It seems that where this form of support is provided and provided well it is recognised as a great benefit, five people referred to the positive impact the support provided by their relocation agents had on their relocation experience, one describing theirs as ‘fantastic’.

5. What sources of support and assistance would be helpful when relocating?

There is no doubt that people would welcome support when relocating. People were asked to rate the ‘helpfulness’ of fourteen forms of support, listed below. Overall 71.23% agreed/strongly agreed that these forms of support would be helpful.

The forms of support participants would find most helpful – with 70% or above of participants answering that they agreed/strongly agreed that this support would be helpful were:

• Language training
• Cross cultural information and strategies.
• Networking support and strategies.
• Help in building a new social life.
• On-line support and information re relocation experience and process.
• Practical relocation assistance, housing, removal and bureaucracy.
• Country specific practical information.
• Country specific cultural information.

The areas of least agreement regarding the helpfulness of the support suggested were:

Financial planning assistance – 47.2% agreed/strongly agreed helpful.

School selection assistance – 54.5% agreed/strongly agreed helpful.

Support family/support adaptation process – 53.8% agreed/strongly agreed helpful.

Stress management support – 44.4% agreed/strongly agreed helpful.

These still represented relatively high percentages in favour of these forms of support. It seems that for the majority of accompanying partners who relocate to live abroad more support in a variety of areas would be greatly welcomed.

Please leave your comments and share how well these findings reflect your experience. What additional support would you like to receive?

If you would like to receive a copy of my full report then please email me email hidden; JavaScript is required.

I have started a new survey at survey monkey. I’d love your help! If you are an Accompanying Partner click here and take the survey. It will take no more than 10 minutes and you will receive a link to a Free Resource: Research Resources and Ideas For People On the Move.

This sense of ‘who am I’ can translate into negative self talk.

Mary thinks she’d be happy if she could just change her weight, her looks and then meet some good friends. Sean believes that he’s an okay person except for certain personality traits that come to the fore when he is home alone with the kids such as impatience and his quick temper. Jane thinks life will improve dramatically when they feel a bit more stable and she is able to invest time in some personal development, perhaps even return to some kind of work – it’s tough when everyone back home thinks she lives such a privileged and easy life abroad.

Of course these sentiments are not restricted to people who live abroad after all who doesn’t believe that with a little tweaking, we could be self-helped to just short of perfection? But, the problem for many is that all the books, self-improvement tips and positive affirmations don’t seem to make us any happier. Worst of all, the minute we “fix” one ugly piece of ourselves, another nasty monster rears it head and starts screaming for attention.

When does self-help become self-hell? What would happen if we simply started by realizing how wonderful we already are?

As the pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers once wrote, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

“Believing that something is wrong with us is a deep and tenacious suffering,” writes Tara Brach, in her book, Radical Acceptance. “The more we anxiously tell ourselves stories about how we might fail or what is wrong with us or with others, the more we deepen the grooves—the neural pathways—that generate feelings of deficiency.” She lists common ways people try to manage this pain of inadequacy:

• Anxiously embarking on one self-improvement project after another.
• Holding back and playing it safe rather than risking failure.
• Withdrawing from our experience of the present moment.
• Keeping busy.
• Becoming our own worst critics.
• Focusing on other people’s faults.

“Convinced that we are not good enough, we can never relax,” Brach writes. “We stay on guard, monitoring ourselves for shortcomings. When we inevitably find them, we feel even more insecure and undeserving. We have to try even harder.”

Accepting ourselves does not mean self-indulgence or being passive. Rather it means turning off the shameful, negative, self-loathing tapes within ourselves and just relaxing.

The blaring voices of our culture certainly don’t help, with promises that buying something, owning something, achieving something will make us better people, that success is measured by looks, wealth or possessions. A healthier life finds deeper meaning and greater satisfaction in self-love, compassion, intuition, taking responsibility and forgiveness (particularly of ourselves).

Sometimes it is our so-called faults that can actually lead us to a healthier life. Pioneering psychologist Carl Jung called it our “shadow side,” that part in all of us we are ashamed of and that we often reject. Understanding and accepting that shadow side can lead to enormous freedom and self-acceptance.

Science and research has revealed much about what we can and cannot change about ourselves, according to Martin Seligman, Ph.D., author and Director of Clinical Training in Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. “Some of what does change is under your control, and some is not,” he writes in his book, What You Can Change and What You Can’t: The Complete Guide to Self-Improvement.

Seligman lists some characteristics that are easier to change, such as everyday anxiety, specific phobias, panic, anger and certain beliefs about life. He advises people to discard the notion of changing that which hurts the most (for example, your extra weight) and instead concentrating on those parts of yourself that will respond most successfully to your efforts to change them (for example, your shyness or impatience with your spouse).

In the end, all the energy we put out to change ourselves may just take us back to where we started—to ourselves. And if we can truly accept ourselves as we are, that’s the best place to be.

Six Ways to Love Yourself

1. Stop criticizing yourself. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

2. Be gentle with yourself. Praise yourself and support yourself.

3. Love your negatives. Acknowledge that they fulfilled a need and now you don’t need them anymore.

4. Take care of yourself. Take care of your body in the ways that please you.

5. Know that you possess strengths that are energizing and mean that you can fulfill your true potential.

6. Do it now. Don’t wait until you get well, or get sick, or lose the weight or get the new job or the new relationship. Begin now. And do the best you can.

—from Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

How are you feeling?

No doubt a mixture of excitement, anticipation, perhaps even a small element of fear? After all this is a new start, there may also be an element of regret, perhaps sorrow at leaving behind friends and family – a former life behind. But overall you feel ready, you’ve prepared well, you’re ready for the adventure to begin!

So a new beginning….

As the plane soars across the open skies you begin to imagine what your new life is going to be (in between breaking up the kiddy fights if your family is anything like mine!). What will this new experience hold for you, your partner and family? Was it the right decision? A ha! the million dollar question. And what of the challenges – how will you cope? well here are a few tips for starters!

Open and enquiring mind.

Start with your mantra that you will seek to understand rather than judge what you see and experience. This can be difficult at the start as often when we are pushed out of our comfort zone we feel vulnerable, uncomfortable, even embarrassed and it can be easy to become defensive and start the ‘new expat routine’ of well

‘it’s not like it is back home’ ‘

‘we just do it so much better….’

My advice, don’t even go there, cut yourself off in mid sentence and zip your lips, it really is not pretty! And of those of you who are saying ‘but I’d never’ my answer is simply ‘I bet one exasperated day….’!!!!!

A sense of humor.

When you feel your shackles beginning to rise this is the time to put on a smile and have a little inner laugh at yourself or the situation. You will get through the embarrassing, difficult times so simply smile and preserve your dignity.

Socialise.

Many an expat has found solace in a good conversation, but of course if can be difficult to find people to talk to in the early days so one suggestion from a friend of mine is that you find a local coffee shop visit it regularly and get to know a few locals even if you don’t speak the language. Initially they will stare, occassionally smile but gradually they will say good morning as you arrive and you will become a part of their everyday routine – accepted and a small part of something which feels good I promise you! Join some activity groups, sports, a health club, language lessons, expat clubs anything that gets you out and about meeting people and sharing experiences.

Just do it!

Yes I know those pesky administrative and bureaucratic tasks are less than appealing, embarrassing as well if you don’t speak the language, but they get you out and ‘doing’ and the sense of achievement when you finally get the right form, a smile or even a helping hand, can make all the difference to your day.

Expect the down-times

Initially you may feel like you are on holiday, but as you gradually get more into the day-to-day routine of everyday life you may find you start to miss home, your friends, food, books and magazines, favourite walks and so on. Sometimes it may just all seem too much. Be kind to yourself at these times, ask yourself what do I really want to do right now? it may be close the door for a few days, sleep and watch movies to recharge your batteries OR it may be to ‘get away’ from the pressures of your new life, work, so find that beautiful beach, a calming location and let yourself go for a few blissful days – it will make all the difference.

What other characteristics do you think/or know will help to get you through the first months abroad?